HOW I SPENT MY SPRING VACATION

Saturday afternoon was a day to get my bearings situated. As mentioned earlier - Phoenix is one giant traffic snarl. I am staying at an Extended Stay America hotel. Cheap. Basic. To the point. No frills. If I was going to do anything it would involve leaving the room. And the room ahs its own idiosyncrasies; the door jam is broken and the door takes three attempts to close, one of the outlets doesn't work...I'm not going to dwell on those. Normally I would and in great detail.

I went looking for some of the places and spots I remember from 2 and 3 years ago. It definitely is different driving alone as opposed to telling someone they are reading the map wrong and "I'm taking this way because I don't want to sit motionless on the freeway". I spotted IKEA and the McFarlane Toys store. Kerry and I accidentally ran into McFarlane toys 3 years ago looking for Ray Road. Kind of a 12 year-old's wet dream. I recognized a majority of the major streets; Ray, Warner, Elliot, Chandler. The East and West part bugs me. It would be nice if there was an apex, a prominent marker to be East or West of. Or maybe there is and I missed it because I was too busy complaining about it.

The trip to Phoenix was starting to wear on me and my newly found good posture was fading. I decided to be a big ol' girl and start looking for a place to get a massage or at least a fitness center with a sauna. Stretching in a sauna usually does the trick. Unless there are a few Jewish gentlemen in there. Then it's kind of awkward.

I've only had one massage in my life. That doesn't count numerous others. One professional massage. How about that?

The only reason I opted for the first massage was that I had been sleeping on the couch for a few days and I hurt various parts of my body. The kind of 'really stupid' injury that insurance companies tend to frown upon. This was before I had Dr Olivia Garcia taking care of me. My previous Primary Care Provider (PCP) had decided to quit in some part because she hated EMR. There were no appointments for at least 10 days. What I really needed was ultrasound and ice. At least that's what I was had when I was playing football.

"What's wrong?"

"My knee is ballooning up and it's really tender toward the top of the patella."

"Ice it and ultrasound."

Two years after I left and landed at Wilkes University I was laughed at by the trainer there.

"You have three metal pins in your knee. You're not supposed to get ultrasound. That probably caused more damage than football. Jeez!"

Should have been an omen that my decision to move to Wilkes-Barre, PA was a bad one.

Speaking of which; where the hell am I?

Oh, massage.

I started looking around for Day Spas. Usually I want to read reviews of anything before I plunk down money. This is partially why I haven't been in a movie theater since the last century. Read enough movie reviews and you'll wonder why you ever go to them at all.

I found Dolce Barber & Spa. That sounded cool. Unless of course the 'for men' meant something else entirely. I would be okay with that. There was also the 'Hair Club for Men' and we all know, I would have no need for such a service.

I drove around Phoenix enjoying the weather and the wide lanes. The homes in Phoenix are beautiful and from what I gathered, almost affordable. There are some exclusive communities further down East Chandler Blvd. One had a small lake out in front with makeshift 'river view' homes. There made these facing Chandler Blvd as to figuratively give you the finger and raise their snooty noses at you in your third rate sedan or compact car.

I did this great excursion, of course, because I was lost. Dolce Barber & Spa. was on West Chandler and at some point East Chandler turns into a giant red stretch of earth. So. I again enjoyed the beautiful weather nonchalantly driving along for a few miles.

Some observations;

Phoenix is one long strip mall

All strip malls look alike

There are too many SUVs with no passengers

Jacked up 4x4s seem to be making a comeback

I have a feeling there is a Freudian basis for SUVs and jacked up 4x4s

The traffic lights in Phoenix have the traffic going forward get the green light first rather than those turning left

There is a 3 second pause between a red light and the cross traffic's green light

Drivers in Phoenix know this and therefore still run red lights

I arrived at Dolce Barber & Spa. and the women's spa is a few dozen feet away in another part of the strip mall. There was also a medical spa (?) and a few shops down a cigar 'place' called, Matchstix. I loathe the nuevo cigar haunts. A cigar shop is a part of Americana and shares a lineage to Europe and the rest of the world.

Wow. I am all over the place.

I entered Dolce Barber & Spa. and a guy who was trying to dress up in a J. Jacobs jackets and poorly bleached lazily spiked hair asked if I was Paul. I was not. "Here for a haircut?" I was insulted. Luckily, one of the attendees bumped him and remarked, "look at his hair - obviously he doesn't."

I kid you not.

This dandruffed and unpressed jacket twerp was named, 'Corban'. Or at least that's what his name tag read. I proceeded to tell this overly enthusiastic at doing his job poorly that I was interested in a massage and possibly a consult on my skin. I tend to burn in the sun and have done horrible things to my face over the years. A week of sun and then a few days in the wind-chill of 5 degrees in Madison might make my face peel off like Belloq in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Also, I'm not easy to look at. I don't know why people automatically return the volley with a half-hearted compliment. I'm a troll. I am okay with that. This is why I make a big deal about my hair. And my eyes. Anything to make my appearance less repulsive and healthier would be good. People often comment; "I don't photograph well." No, you're just not as appealing as you think you are you self-centered troglodyte.

I discussed the matter with counter jockey Corban and we decided on a 1 hour deep tissue massage, a sand blasting facial and I went all-in with getting my eyebrows waxed. Screw you. If you had to spend the time it takes me to get rid of excess head hair you would, too. I'm starting to get Grandpa Natina ear hair. One lone dark hair sprouts about once a week.

I made the appointment for the next day at 11:45. I was to be out by 2:30, so that was good.

I headed back to the hotel, stopping for groceries and all the other stuff I would need. Sun block. Soap, the item I did forget - the soap stuff I use in the shower (I always forget ONE minor thing...then make it into a major issue). Some lotion, since I was already started to feel my fingertips getting dry and cracking.

I went through and re-unpacked, finally putting things where they should be for the rest of the week. I then settled down for a good night of catching up on email and watching the entire nothing on television. I actually turned the damn thing off after 20 minutes.

I K N O W

After a few hours I went walking around. I thought about jogging but I don't know the area and my right knee has been a graham cracker and marshmallow contraption for the last week. It was diagnosed as 'runner's knee'. Isn't that like 'thrower's arm' or 'eater's belly'?

I walked around for a long time. I don't know what I was thinking about. Probably a lot of stuff. And the thoughts and logic cobbled together and expanded, much like what you just read. Actually. I know exactly what I was thinking about. And who I was thinking about. But that's none of your business. And this really isn't the time.

Later, my spa adventure.

. . . Continue to Part III . . .