LEVIATHAN




I went to Costco last night and there are just certain things you can't buy there. When you don't need seven gallons of syrup or 42 tons of ground pepper.

Last night I made my semi-monthly Costco trip to pick up:
As I was driving home I realized I was going to need to stop at Safeway. Which I was suddenly dreading. I took the duck treats over to Dave who slobbered enough to mop the kitchen floor and then unloaded everything from Costco.



Once at Safeway I found myself randomly walking up and down aisles. Then I called Amy and asked her to give my retard/pathetic episode a grade. I recently had to throw condoms out because they had past their expiration date. You read me. That is just stupid. I hate throwing things away, it's a waste. I could have tried a craft project and I'm sure there is a condom/jack-o-lantern combination I could think up.

Why I needed to buy condoms was out of a pure need of replacement. Like buying certain fruit. You buy it. It sits on a shelf and rots. You throw it away. Then on your next trip to the grocery store, you buy the fruit - again.

This was going to happen to these. It just is. I'm not being negative or a pessimist. I'm being pragmatic. I'm often seen as a resource and people are asking to borrow stuff all the time. And I enjoy the give (I hope that phrase catches on). It's just practical to have them around. Also, I needed to update my first aid kit. Dave had recently scratched my hand pretty deep during a visit and I was worried that his dog paws might cause an infection. Luckily my sister had enough stuff lying around to slap it back together. Condoms are actually quite useful. They can be used as a tunicate or even as gloves in a pinch. A make shift urinal - kidney stones and the like. They can even be packed with ice and wrapped around a severely cut or amputated digit.

I finally walked over to the beer area and grabbed a case of Fat Tire, Amy seems to like it and she's the one who is over most of the time. Then I started looking for the item I actually went to Safeway for in the first place. I will say this; condoms really should be in the aisle with the baby products. Doesn't that just make sense? Having them with the feminine hygiene stuff directly across the aisle from trash bags does not make a bit of sense. Or it does. I don't know.

Once I was walking the correct path toward the items I found myself having to get around the requisite older woman who was blocking the aisle with her cart. As I was about to stop in front of the condom selection a woman came up and did a drive by and circled right back. If I were not 12 years old there were about 25-30 great lines I could have used. But I didn't. Even some of the basic observation lines.

"Why are they called, 'her pleasure'? Don't gay men use these?"

"$12 bucks for condoms! Add the hooker that's $20 bucks down the drain!"

"I wonder if these have a money back guarantee."

...and the like.

So, I selected a set I thought was appropriate. Though, the glowing piņata kinds were rather cool.

As I was walking up to the register I realized I needed BBQ sauce. KC Masterpiece, specifically. As I was standing in line I thought about grabbing a few other items just to make the cashier's reaction a little more gasp worthy. But, I didn't want to go overboard and then be shamed out of the 10 aisle or less line. I did get the reaction I was expecting.

The funny thing about this isn't even apparent to most of you. Or any of you. The night of my junior prom I bought condoms at a Safeway in Redding. That was it. Just condoms. Gold Circle Coins, if you must know. And the guy at the register, Mike, was in that usual "it's 11:00 on a Saturday and I don't want to be here" banter-mode. He actually asked, "hey, how ya doin'?" There I am in a tuxedo, buying condoms.

I cocked my head, "just fine in about 20 minutes." Incidentally, I worked at that Safeway as a courtesy clerk for 18 months after graduating. Mike remembered me.

He laughed, I laughed and now a little part of me dies inside as I write this.

Getting the hotel room was easy, thanks to my sister's boyfriend. Molly was not at the right moment in her cycle to really participate in the activity as her 'dot' arrived that evening. It's not like we had not had sex before. It's not even like we hadn't had a moderate amount of sex, but still. It's a bit different when you don't have to try and squeeze that in during the approximate amount of time it would take to "go get ice cream" or "rent a movie". And, not having to use the sunroof in a car to my full advantage would also have been nice.

It didn't happen that night, and that was okay. And it's not going to happen any time soon with anyone else. That too, is okay.

My time with Molly was my first semi-adult relationship, one of only two I have ever had, and the first in three years at the time. That's a long time for a teenage boy with enough hormones in his system to kill a man in his 30's. Hey, wait - I'm 33...

In the grand scheme of things - I'll never feel the same about anyone as I felt about Molly and I doubt anyone is capable about feeling that way about someone more than once. Maybe that's what needs to be encapsulated and then finally buried in a time capsule. They way the relationship started, how it progressed, the physical and emotional scars, the way it ended and the protracted psychological effects of trying to be friends with someone who eventually says four years later, "I don't think I ever loved you."

It, the time and relationship with Molly, was that. Just that. That time with Molly was just that, it isn't everything. Even it was everything. It is not everything. It just was. It was that time in my life where it all - hopes, dreams, aspirations, college decisions, career ideas, rebelling against homework, spurning longtime friends because they liked Vanilla Ice AND Garth Brooks, crashed down and re-built itself up only to crash again on a daily basis. I was a stupid high school kid that was stuck in Redding, the eternal vortex of white trash and unfulfilled promise and potential.

There were a lot of girls, chicks, ladies and women after Molly. I've felt differently about other women since and somewhat as strongly as I felt with Molly. One I had a relationship with, the others; nothing ever happened that would have become a relationship. It took years to figure that out. And I did feel something about a girl before Molly. It wasn't the same. Just different. Not better, not more, not less. Still. Wasn't the same.

It just was. And figuring out that is the way everything is does not really make it any easier to accept.